Aimee Fuhrman

This may be your question. Or maybe you’ve just given up on ever having a vibrant prayer life. Don’t lose hope! Today we’re moving beyond what stops us from praying into beginning the journey toward intimacy with our God. And, yes, it is possible!

Over the last few months we’ve discussed how prayer is daunting for many and a source of guilt. We’ve looked at hindrances to prayer including: unanswered prayers (which lead to doubt and cynicism), insincerity when praying (others’ or ours), not knowing how or what to pray (which leads to insecurity and inaction), and distractions (which pull us away from praying). It’s easy to either give up or to rely solely on prayer formulas and models. Too often, though, these models stifle our relationship with Jesus. Models are good and have a place sometimes. (In fact, we’ll examine some later on.) But because prayer is just a conversation with a person, models can feel stilted.

Think of it like this. Have you ever hit a rough spot with your spouse or another family member, or possibly in your work environment? Sometimes communication breaks down, and a pastor, counselor, or HR rep will recommend a model of communication to restore a functioning relationship. Such a model might include “active listening,” responding with phrases such as “so what I hear you saying is …,” and verbal reinforcement. Does this kind of communication feel natural? No! Because it’s not natural. However, it may be useful for a season to restore natural communication patterns. The same is true for prayer formulas and models. But if we rely solely on them, we never get to a place where genuine communication and relationship flow. As Paul E. Miller in his book A Praying Life says, “In prayer, focusing on the conversation is like trying to drive while looking at the windshield instead of through it. … Because prayer is all about relationship, we can’t work on prayer as an isolated part of life” (p. 8). 

The best place to start when you’re feeling frustrated in your prayer life is at the beginning. Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3).

Too often we understand grace when it comes to being saved. We know a person doesn’t have to have it all together when they come to Jesus for the first time. But somehow we forget that when it comes to prayer. But the fact is, Jesus still wants us to come as we are!

The difficulty of coming just as we are is that we are messy. And prayer makes it worse. When we slow down to pray, we are immediately confronted with how unspiritual we are, with how difficult it is to concentrate on God. We don’t know how bad we are until we try to be good. Nothing exposes our selfishness and spiritual powerlessness like prayer.

(Paul E. Miller, A Praying Life, p. 19)

The kind of childlike faith Jesus described is helpful when we pray. Children aren’t hindered by their selfishness or their lack of knowledge. They just come. Sometimes they ask boldly, because they know exactly what they want. Sometimes they tell you what they think, not questioning if it’s right or not; they simply want to share their thoughts with you. Sometimes they dream aloud, not hindered by what’s “possible.” And when their mind thinks of something else, they’re off on that tangent … or not. Maybe they’re just done, and they scamper off to do something else. They are genuine and in the moment. That is how we need to approach our Father.

Jesus [did] not say, “Come to me, all you who have learned how to concentrate in prayer, whose minds no longer wander, and I will give you rest.” No, Jesus opens his arms to his needy children and says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden ….” The criteria for coming to Jesus is weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind. Come messy.

(Paul E. Miller, A Praying Life, p.19-20)

Miller goes on to say when we’re “weary,” we have trouble concentrating. When we’re “heavy-laden,” we don’t even know where to begin (p. 20). And that’s okay. Jesus is saying, “Just come and tell me where you’re at, what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking … or just sit and cry a little, and I’ll hold you.” Don’t try to get prayer “right;” just talk to God like a child would. To do otherwise is to be artificial with God and religious, which is what the Pharisees did. Jesus wants authenticity not religious formulas.

If you want a vibrant prayer life but doubt it’s possible, or if you have tried prayer models before and become frustrated, here are a few encouragements:

• A vibrant prayer life and a close relationship with God aren’t something you “accomplish” in a set time period. They are part of a lifelong journey.
• Our prayer life and our relationship with God will have ups and downs–seasons of vibrancy and excitement and seasons that feel dry and like a long hike up a 14er.
• Just as in any relationship, when things get tough, the answer is not to give up. It’s to keep hoping and keep working on it. Little steps eventually cover the distance.
• You don’t have to get it “right.” Any little prayer is a great place to start. Jesus really will take you just as you are.

Last month we talked about two hindrances: unanswered prayers—which lead to cynicism—and insincerity (of ourselves or others) when approaching prayer requests. (If you missed that article you can read it here.) But what about the act of praying itself? I, along with Paul E. Miller, author of the book A Praying Life (which we are examining this year), believe that most Christians find prayer difficult at some level. Often we want to talk to God but find we can’t. Sometimes we don’t know what to say; we don’t know how or what to pray and feel inadequate for the task. Other times we lose focus, distracted by a thousand more “productive” things we could be doing. Alternately, we are drawn away by the allure of something easier and more entertaining. In short, prayer isn’t very “fun,” and our flesh fights it. And sometimes we wonder if our prayers make a difference. Even when they seem to be answered, we wonder if the “answer” was directly impacted by our praying or if the outcome just happened by chance. Does prayer work? Should we continue with such an uncertain endeavor?

With all of these thoughts and hindrances tugging at us, no wonder we find it hard to pray! Let’s look at these additional roadblocks a little closer.

Hindrance #3 – I don’t know what to say/I can’t pray the way I “should”

Despite being told prayer is “just talking to a friend,” we still struggle. It’s hard to talk to someone you can’t see or hear, to someone who doesn’t talk back. Too few have trained their spiritual ear to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit (something that takes time and stillness and surrender). So we rely on formulas—the ACTS model, for example, or even The Lord’s Prayer—but they feel formulaic and stilted. And that’s if we even get beyond the first step! As Miller puts it, “We vaguely sense we should begin by focusing on God, not on ourselves.” So we try to worship, “but it feels contrived, then guilt sets in” again, and any connection we might have had is lost. We feel like someone who is cheating on their spouse, trying to say “I love you” sincerely while all the while knowing their heart is really divided.

And even if we get beyond the first step of adoration and praise, we’re likely to hit a wall at some point. Perhaps we encounter a need greater than our measure of faith, or a person who seems too far gone, or a request that we just don’t know how to intercede for. Sometimes we’re at a loss! “God, I don’t even know what to pray…” And of course, the Accuser of the brethren is right there to point out to us how insincere or inadequate we are. Satan’s good at that.

But Scripture tells us we don’t have to know what to pray!

“In the same way the Spirit [comes to us and] helps us in our weakness. We do not know what prayer to offer or how to offer it as we should, but the Spirit Himself [knows our need and at the right time] intercedes on our behalf with sighs and groanings too deep for words”

(Romans 8:26, Amplified)

Hindrance #4 – I can’t stay focused/I get distracted by other things

Consider this scenario…You pause in your day with every intention of spending some time in prayer, but just 5 minutes in (sometimes less), you find yourself distracted. By sheer force, you try again, but the pattern repeats itself.

Miller puts it this way, “We are so busy that when we slow down to pray, we find it uncomfortable. We prize accomplishments, production. [Prayer] feels useless, as if we are wasting time.” And when we try to be still, the quiet suffocates us. We itch for the incessant noise of our culture. We also “prize intellect, competency and wealth…Money can do whatever prayer does, and it is quicker and less time-consuming. Our trust in ourselves and in our talents makes us structurally independent of God.” Our relationship with God is dysfunctional.

Eventually, you give up trying to pray, adding guilt at being such a “bad” Christian to your failure to pray. Distraction is one of the enemy’s biggest tactics for hindering our prayers. Weak prayer muscles or a dysfunctional relationship with God make us especially vulnerable to this tactic. But Jesus wants to restore that intimate relationship. He wants to impart His victory to us! Read what He says in His Revelation. (Note: Though this passage is often aimed at bringing in the unbeliever, Jesus is actually addressing the churches.)

Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

(Revelation 3:19-22, NIV)

Hindrance #5 – I don’t know if prayer really works

Many of us have tried prayer lists as a tool to help focus our prayers and keep ourselves on task. But when we add a need here and another one there, along with our family members…and friends…and unsaved co-workers or neighbors…and small group members…and …Suddening our prayer list feels long and daunting! Praying through it repeatedly feels boring, especially when we don’t even know if our prayers are working. “When someone is healed or helped,” Miller writes, “we wonder if it would have happened anyway.” This is another of Satan’s specialties. He’s been sowing seeds of doubt since the Garden of Eden. But God has promised that when we pray in faith, He is moving to answer our prayers.

“For this reason I am telling you, whatever things you ask for in prayer [in accordance with God’s will], believe [with confident trust] that you have received them, and they will be given to you”.

(Mark 11:24, Amplified)

These hindrances to earnest regular prayer are real and more common than they should be. So often we know our need for prayer, but the very act of praying exposes something we’d rather not face. Too often “praying exposes how self-preoccupied we are and uncovers our doubts. It [is] easier on our faith not to pray” (Miller). So we don’t.

But we must! Prayer itself is the very antidote for this sickness. We must fight the lies of the enemy which would keep us from coming before the throne of grace. We must fight the flesh which wages war against our spirit. We must fight the notions that prayer has to be done perfectly or not at all. We must come to God as we are and begin again.

Would you pray this prayer with me today?

Lord, I have felt all of these “failures.” I do want to talk to You, but sometimes I don’t even know what to say. Would You teach me, like You did Your disciples, how to pray in a way that makes sense to me? And when I lack the words, Holy Spirit, intercede for me. Lord, I do want a relationship with You that is genuine, but my noisy, busy life distracts me. Teach me how to be still. Train my spiritual ears to hear Your voice. My modern existence diminishes my need for You. Reveal to me how desperately I really do need You. I want to pray effectively, but my spiritual muscles are weak. I feel like the disciples who fell asleep when You asked them to watch and pray with You in the Garden of Gethsemane. Holy Spirit, would You help me for the rest of this year to be diligent to exercise those muscles, to grow in my ability and passion for prayer. Amen.

If you’d like encouragement and support in your prayer life, consider joining one of Summitview’s regular prayer opportunities:

• Sunday mornings 8:30-9:15 a.m., room 204 – all church prayer
• Tuesdays during the lunch hour (12:00-12:15 p.m.) online – all church prayer, connect here.
• 3rd Wednesday of every month 7:00-7:30 p.m., room 204 – parents of teens

If you’d like to get your own copy of A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller, you can order it on Amazon here.

Until next month…I’m praying for you,
Aimee Furhman

Last month we talked about how many of us find prayer difficult and attributed that to the enemy’s schemes to keep us from spending time in prayer. (If you missed that article, you can read it here.) But this month and next I’d like to look at some of the biggest hindrances to prayer in our mindsets and our day-to-day habits. More likely than not, you will find yourself identifying with one or more of these. Satan wants to bring condemnation in this. But take heart; you are not alone! Others, many others, have felt the same way you feel. And identifying the hindrances helps us to tackle them head-on through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hindrance #1 – Unanswered prayers

We’ve all been there–down on our knees, fervently begging God for the salvation of a loved one, the return of a wayward child, the mending of a broken marriage, or the healing of a physical malady. We muster all the faith we’ve got and pour out our heart to God…only to be met with seeming silence. The prayer goes “unanswered,” and our faith wanes. Stack a few of these “unanswered” prayers on top of each other, and doubt creeps in. Is God there? Is He listening? Does prayer work? Leave doubt to fester, and a steely cynicism creeps in, crusting our heart in a protective shield of wariness toward the very One who is our source of hope and life.

Paul E. Miller in his book A Praying Life writes:

Few of us have…courage to articulate the quiet cynicism or spiritual weariness that develops within us when heartfelt prayer goes unanswered. We keep our doubts hidden even from ourselves because we don’t want to sound like bad Christians. No reason to add shame to our cynicism. So our hearts shut down.

I’ve been there–shut down because of unanswered prayers, hurting and doubting, living in cynicism and trying to avoid looking it in the face because I don’t want the shame that will come with it. Maybe you’ve been there too. Maybe you’re there now. Maybe it’s time to look that cynicism in the face and call it what it is. Repentance brings healing.

Hindrance #2 – Insincerity

Theoretically, the body of Christ should be our support system. Our brothers and sisters should be the ones we turn to to bear our burdens, carrying our concerns to Jesus and agree with us for our needs. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way. We’ve all experienced the scenario where we get up the courage to be vulnerable only to have someone listen halfheartedly, nod, and say, “I’ll pray for you.” But we doubt their sincerity or their commitment to actually carry our need to the Father.

Or perhaps you’ve been on the insincere side of this scenario. You didn’t give enough attention or compassion to a hurting brother or sister. You threw them a glib phrase to placate your guilt. Or maybe you actually meant well but never got around to acting on your promise, making it an empty one.

Miller addresses all of this, continuing his discussion of our cynicism when it comes to prayer:

The glib way people talk about prayer often reinforces our cynicism. We end our conversations with “I’ll keep you in my prayers.” We have a vocabulary of “prayer speak,” including “I’ll lift you up in prayer” and “I’ll remember you in prayer.” Many who use these phrases, including us, never get around to praying. Why? Because we don’t think prayer makes much difference.

But prayer does matter! God promises it does. James 5:16b says, “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (NKJV). And despite our experiences with “unanswered prayer,” Isaiah 59:1 tells us, “The LORD hasn’t lost his powerful strength; he can still hear and answer prayers” (CEV).

In the coming months we’ll examine strategies for combating these prayer problems, but for now, perhaps it is enough to recognize ourselves in these scenarios, to sit with the tension and angst of these feelings. Perhaps it is enough to acknowledge the problem and surrender it to our Savior. I hope these prayers help. . .

A Prayer for Doubt & Cynicism:

God, I don’t want my heart to shut down when it comes to talking to You, but if I’m honest I have developed an unspoken cynicism; I have become confused and hurt over unanswered prayers; I have become weary of praying. I admit this is where I’m at, Lord. This is where You’re going to have to meet me.

A Prayer for Insincerity:

Lord, I’ve been among those who doubt that prayer makes a difference. This is a lack of faith, so I confess that and repent. Grow my faith in You, Father–in Your loving kindness and faithfulness in all things. And change my heart so that I once again turn to You in every situation.

God, I also admit that I’ve told people I would pray for them and then never have. I repent of this as well. Give me an honest heart and lips. When I tell someone I will pray for them, Holy Spirit, bring them to my mind so I remember to do so. And help me discipline myself to stop and actually pray when You speak to me.

Just a reminder that you are invited to join us for corporate prayer any of these times:

• Sunday mornings 8:30-9:15 a.m., room 204 – all church prayer
• Tuesdays during the lunch hour (12:00-12:15 p.m.) online – all church prayer, connect here.
• 3rd Wednesday of every month 7:00-7:30 p.m., room 204 – parents of teens

If you’d like to get your own copy of A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller, you can order it on Amazon here.

Until next month…I’m praying for you,

Aimee Furhman

Prayer…Is it a sweet comfort you look forward to every day–one that is a part of your daily life? Or does it conjure feelings of guilt or dread? I’ve had those feelings too! Though most would describe me now as a “prayer warrior,” I wasn’t always one. Not so many years ago I struggled to pray.

Many, if not most, Christians find prayer difficult at some level. David Powlison, in his forward to A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller, says:

It’s hard to pray. It’s hard enough for many of us to make an honest request to a friend we trust for something we truly need. But when the request gets labeled as “praying” and the friend is termed “God,” things often get very tangled up.

And even if we’re good at making requests of God, other forms of praying may feel stilted. That’s because, for many of us, prayer has become a “production,” as Powlison labels it. We think it has to last for a certain amount of time or include Christian verbiage or formulaic elements we’ve been taught. And so prayer becomes a “discipline” at best, or, for most of us, a chore in reality. Couple that with the notion most of us hold that Christians “should” pray, and we often experience some level of guilt with our non-prayer saturated lives. No wonder we don’t want to engage!

Some of the more motivated of us may attempt to change ourselves. Perhaps prayer becomes a New Year’s resolution. “I’ll do better this year,” we convince ourselves. But, like most New Year’s resolutions, we start strong but find ourselves derailed by mid-January (if we’re lucky).

Yet prayer, as we cognitively know, is just talking with a friend. It shouldn’t be difficult or onerous. So why do we struggle?

I think the answer lies in the fact that every single person who accepts Jesus’ free gift of salvation is engaged in a raging battle (whether we’re aware of it or not). When you were transferred from the domain of darkness into the kingdom of God’s beloved son (Colossians 1:13), Satan lost the battle for your soul. Now his goal in your life is to wreck as much havoc as he can, derailing you and preventing you from experiencing the joy and victory Jesus purchased for you.

Prayer is one of our primary weapons against the enemy, so Satan is going to do everything in his power to keep us from engaging in it. He effectively uses all kinds of lies and distractions to interfere in your connection with God and your victory over the darkness.

“So what do I do?” you might ask. In this case the standard Sunday school answer works!

Thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ…

2 Corinthians 2:14a, NASB

Jesus is our battle commander and has given us everything we need to engage our enemy and come out victorious! Not only this, but He’s given us His Spirit to indwell us and empower us. A powerful prayer life requires only a little training, some practice, and surrender to our commander. Truly.

This year one of the pastors’ goals for our church body is to focus on prayer together. We’ll learn and grow in our skills as spiritual warriors. We’ll grow our prayer muscles and develop hearts and habits toward prayer. We’ll encourage one another and keep each other accountable.

Every month you’ll receive a prayer blog from me to encourage you and provide insight and tools toward growth. I’ll be loosely following Paul E. Miller’s book A Praying Life. It is one of the best resources I’ve found on understanding and engaging in prayer. I highly recommend you get a copy and read it for yourself! You can order it on Amazon here.

We’ll also have an increased number of opportunities for you to pray with fellow believers. This provides practice (remember I said you’ve got to develop your prayer muscles!) and accountability. It also has the added benefit of covering our church in prayer, so the enemy can’t work havoc here! Currently, these opportunities exist for corporate prayer:

• Sunday mornings 8:30-9:15 a.m., room 204 – all church prayer
• Tuesdays during the lunch hour (12:00-12:15 p.m.) online – all church prayer, connect here
• 3rd Wednesday of every month 7:00-7:30 p.m., room 204 – parents of teens

God wants you walking in victory, and He wants a sweet and personal relationship with you! But this doesn’t come by trying harder. It comes by cooperating with the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in your life. The above are just tools to help you do this. The real work comes through humility and surrender. May this prayer be the beginning of that journey for you:

Lord, I want to grow in my relationship with You and in my prayer walk. I don’t want to try to change myself anymore; I just want to be real and honest with You. I know You want me to walk in victory over the schemes of the devil, so I surrender to You. Holy Spirit, do the transforming work in this area of my life.

Until next month…I’m praying for you,
Aimee Fuhrman