Thanks to a Colorado megachurch, you can now remember Jesus’ atoning death with the push of a button.

Faith NOW! megachurch in Louisville has solved their problem of lengthy communion lines with a smartphone app that allows you to partake in the Lord’s Supper from your pew.

The media team’s Mark Bennet, creator of the groundbreaking communion app, ComYOUnion, promises to put the “you” back in communion and has revolutionized the way the church takes the sacraments.

“Every fourth Sunday, the communion lines would stretch out across the parking lot,” Bennet recalls. “We were going well into the evening, and the band playing the invitational was cramping up, passing out. Our bass player got rhabdo. People were jostling in line, throwing elbows. One woman broke her coccyx diving for the last piece of gluten-free cracker. It was apocalyptic.”

This was not the first attempt the church has made to mitigate the communion chaos.

“First we tried communion referees, but the frequent whistle-blowing really took you out of the experience,” lead pastor Jaz Michaels stated. “Next we brought in some cattle chutes but they were such a hassle to move in between services. Now you can enjoy the broken body and spilled blood of the Lamb from the comfort of your own pew, and communion is over before Chris Tomlin!”

A free version of the app can be found in iTunes and Google Play.

CommYOUnion was designed with the understanding that reflection is an important part of the experience, so the app is programmed with a mandatory 60-second timer before the user can press the “Eat Me” or “Drink Me” buttons. The app conveniently searches your browsing and text history from the past week to remind you of all those odious websites visited and rude texts sent so you can repent right then and there. “We don’t want anyone eating or drinking his own judgement. Even if it is virtual,” Michaels added.

The app is user friendly and intuitive. “We didn’t want it to be flashy or anything, because, that’s not what this is about. It’s about sharing a meal with your Savior. Now you can do it digitally,” Bennet reports.

“Also, one of my favorite things is after you tap the ‘Drink Me’ button, it makes that cute little clicking sound the plastic cup makes as you try to get it into that little hole in the pew in front of you. I love that sound.”

The denomination defaults to Baptist, but CommYOUnion allows the user to choose from a range of all the quirky communion peccadilloes American denominations have to offer.

Bennet and his team are also working on a Catholic version of the app, YOUcharist, which includes a “transubstantiate” button and a quick reference to the Catechisms of the Catholic Church, to see if that sin you are thinking of is classified mortal or not. “We tried to think of everything,” Bennet exclaimed.

Has the app been successful? “Are you kidding me?” Bennet exclaimed. “This thing is spreading like leaven through dough!” CommYOUnion Premium is now available for $9.99/month for an ad-free experience.

Faith NOW! is reportedly working on drone-assisted, in-seat baptisms.

Full disclosure: There is no Faith NOW! church in Louisville. And the ComYOUnion app is not really a thing. At least not yet. Satire, on the other hand…

Tim Constant

Author Tim Constant

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